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The Best Headlines Ever in The Onion

Posted on September 17, 2025   |   Updated on September 30, 2025
Rob Thomas

Rob Thomas

A black newspaper box on a city street.

The Onion, the satirical newspaper that began in Madison, is the subject of a new book. (Anthony Zulgadia / Flickr)

Even now, comedians who come to Madison talk about the city almost in awe. This is the place where The Onion was born in 1988, bringing a new kind of satirical journalism to the world.

The Onion left Madison in 2004, and is still going strong and independent as a monthly print publication and a website.

On the City Cast Madison podcast today, we’re revisiting host Bianca Martin’s conversation author Christine Wenc who was part of the flagship staff of The Onion as a UW-Madison college student, and has now written a book, “Funny Because It’s True: How The Onion Created Modern American News Satire.”

Let’s revisit some of the best headlines in The Onion’s long run, from personal faves to the ones that had the most impact.

The issue of The Onion that came out the week after the 9/11 attacks was a huge test for the satirical newspaper. But they passed with flying colors, especially this surprisingly poignant article about a woman showing her patriotism in the kitchen.

I think the editorials in The Onion are somewhat underrated, such as this point-counterpoint in the run-up to the Iraq War that contrasts a reasoned (and prescient critique) of war with a naysayer just saying “Trust me, it won’t” over and over.

A reporter treats our neighbor to the north as sort of a quirky oddball (“It even has its own currency!”).

A very funny article where the nation’s intelligence agency sheepishly reveals that it should have used yellow or pink. “There was probably some really, really important information in these documents.”

The beauty of this one is that it’s just the headline and a photo. I wonder how many kitten photos they looked at to find just the right homicidally adorable one.

‘WA-’

The Onion’s first original trade paperback, “Our Dumb Century,” was full of great historical articles, such as this headline announcing World War II where the font size was so big that “WAR” didn’t fit on one page.

Another politically prescient one, a local dad and self-described constitutional scholar, believes that the Founding Fathers enshrined the “loose assemblage of vague half-notions” in his head.

As I became a father myself, this article about a dad introducing his daughter to all the music and movies he loved weighed heavy on my mind. I still made them watch “The Goonies” anyway.

When there’s a mass shooting, The Onion often reposts this article capturing the frustration Americans feel at the country’s continued inaction. As of last December, they’ve posted it 38 times.

This recent headline reminds us that, while you can take The Onion out of Wisconsin, you can’t take Wisconsin (or its antipathy towards the former Green Bay Packer quarterback) out of The Onion.

This current headline shows how quickly and incisively the Onion can respond to current events, in this case the right-wing crackdown on dissenting opinions about the late conservative podcaster.

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